What is demisexuality?

Demisexuality is the least known sexual orientation. Its recent conceptualization and its lack of visibility have made it the great unknown until now. What happens when only emotions generate desire?

Demisexuality refers to people who only feel sexual attraction to someone with whom an emotional bond has previously been established . Demisexual people do not feel sexual attraction without that intimacy and prior emotional connection . They do not feel attraction at first sight to any specific gender, although they can be attracted to any human being , provided that an affective bond has been established before.

Demisexuality is considered the fifth sexual orientation , along with:

  • Heterosexuality (attraction to the opposite gender)
  • Homosexuality (same-gender attraction)
  • Bisexuality (attraction to both genders)
  • Asexuality (there is no attraction)

 The relationship model necessary for the demisexual person to maintain an erotic approach varies greatly from one person to another, but the fundamental thing is that there is mutual knowledge, closeness and intimacy .

However, the fact that there is an emotional bond does not guarantee that there will be sexual attraction; it is just a prerequisite for it to occur. It is important to clarify that some demisexual people distinguish between sensual attraction (caressing, hugging …) and sexual attraction , although it can be difficult to differentiate between them.

What is gray sexuality?

The gray sexuality or spectrum of sexuality A-Gray encompasses those people who are between sexuality and asexuality, that is, both extremes. The demisexuales are close to asexuality , but are not quite asexual.

According to data from According to AVEN ( Network for Education and the Visibility of Asexuality :

  • 30% feel sexually inclined.
  • 54% show indifference towards them.
  • 16% say they feel repulsion

Despite everything, there is a wide variety of feelings and ways of having sex among demisexuals.

Do demisexual people feel loneliness more?

Demisexual people often feel tremendously alone and strange due to their orientation. They feel isolated and misunderstood by their environment or they may even experience feelings of inadequacy, as if there is something wrong with them. Knowing that there are people who experience this in a similar way helps build a sense of community and feel supported.

Realize your own feelings

If you realize that you are demisexual, first of all, do not trouble yourself . It is perfectly compatible to be a happy, adapted adult and to be demisexual. Sexual orientation is relatively stable, but that does not mean that it cannot be modulated or varied based on various life experiences.

  • Explore, but without forcing yourself to anything .
  • Do not passively wait for sexual desire to appear in you.
  • Open yourself to new possibilities if you feel like it.
  • Do not force yourself to feel things that you do not feel, respect your times and do not force yourself.
  • Don’t pigeonhole yourself into a label.
  • Dare to set your own limits.
  • If you have a partner, clearly state the type of relationship you want to have.

Demisexuality cannot be “cured”, because it is not a problem, it is an orientation. All sexual orientations are equally valid and respectable . Of course, if your lack of desire comes from a traumatic experience not overcome (rape, abuse …) or if the implications of having this orientation make you feel bad, you can address it in psychotherapy . The goal is for you to feel liberated and comfortable with your guidance .

What you should know…

  • It refers to people who only feel sexual attraction towards someone with whom an emotional bond has previously been established.
  • The fact that there is an emotional bond does not guarantee that there will be sexual attraction. It is just a prerequisite for it to occur.
  • Knowing that there are people who experience it in a similar way helps to form a sense of community, and to feel supported and empowered, which ultimately leads to improved personal safety.

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